Two of my favourite life-studies projects that I did in college.
Even to this day they remain in my top five favourite works of art
My self outside of self
The forest is alive with sounds & smells,
Colours so vibrant the creatures so alert.
As I move among them they crowd me,
crowding my periphery.
We are distant by species,
Connected by souls.
A hare rushes across my path,
Instinct comes alive & I pounce.
I catch it & hold it down with my paws,
Wrap my maw around it’s neck…
I awake,
Human again & hungry,
I must wait to return.
Return to my true self.
Peter Davis-Parker
It’s easy to love you Khloe, miss you, Highwulf
The Dakness in me
The darkness surrounds me,
enveloping & protecting.
The Devil consumes me,
warping my soul & spirit.
Living in nature I see both worlds
man, beast & nature all side beside
I belong to none.
I walk with the wildlife
they walk with I
Man demands my presence
while shunning my very existence.
I continue to prowl with the shadows veiling me
I keep my hunting instincts barely in check
I keep my spiritual brothers safe
how close man encroaches
Only Darkness in me will approach,
Only Darkness can protect them
untitled darkness - semi dream
I walk down the corridor, the same corridor I have walked down a hundred times before. The darkness has never seemed so all all encroaching though it has always been pitch. There is an underlying oppression… one I have felt before but cannot recall where.
As I stumble along the way I feel a light switch stick out gently from the wall. I reach out to touch it but… but I cannot, can’t bear to so what I know awaits me in the black.
I pluck up the nerve to face the unseen & as I it a shuffling in the shadows chills me to the very core of my soul.
I feel it at the corner of my consciousness, scratching, clawing & almost caressing me. Attempting to entice & enslave me. Trying to keep me entombed forevermore in the cavernous basement,
I switch on the light & watch in horror as a man, a man I know from another life, stands mere inches away.
He reaches for me & all turns to darkness
I start awake, covered in a thin veil of cold perspiration
Health concerns: It’s been a really long year
As some of you know for the last two weeks I have been hospitalised with my back.
What some of you may not be aware of is what is wrong with me, at the behest of
StickyVicky our commander I make this thread…
I was born with Scoliosis (curved spine) and have a genetic disorder wherein my spine has for the last thirty years been crumbling causing lower limb paralysis at times and excruciating pain.
I was in a traffic accident nearly five years ago where my hip was almost destroyed,
the doctors repaired the damage but could not prevent the protective lining from becoming infected so my hip is effectively eating itself, again… painful.
For the last eighteen days my pain has been unberarable which is why I was hospitalised.
Am now on 30+ pills a day (inc valium) and 3+hrs intense therapy a day just to walk.
I wish to thank all of the VNA both the women and the men who have supported me and continue to support me, it is beyond appreciated, thanks for reading
Yours, Highwulf
—Edit— After 2 days at home with no pain relief my medication has been delivered to me and I am soon to be on the mend, or at least drugged up enough to care a little less about the pain,
Thanks for the support so far to all have commented, and those yet to do so
—Edit 2— I was told be my specialists yesterday that I am to take NO meds until Monday in order for my body to Detoxify from my previous 30+ pills a day to a new set of 30+ pills. For the last 24hrs and until Monday I am and will be in AGONY, suffering SEVERE depression, Aggression and even hallucinations while my body adapts from being on Meds to not.
—Edit 3— Since retrieving my hitachi my meds have been changed three times and dosage has been upped. The support I have received from the staff and fellow members has been invaluable in my continuing struggle to persevere the paralysis and agony of every day life. I am afraid to say and ashmed to ask but I still need support from time to time.
Am under new meds now and hopefully they will helps. Words of encouragement from the VNA Soldiers and Staff will be gratefully received.
—Edit 4— The last 2 weeks I have had a 24hr heart trace and 4 specialist appointments, needless to say I’ve been somewhat tired and it may or may not have come across to some of you. The appointment I had yesterday was regarding medications and it was determined that my anti-psychotics and antidepressants are having little to no effect and given that I was taking 1000mg of anti-psychotics and antidepressants keeping me on them would only damage me in the long run. I was given more Valium but told to stop taking the other medications. My body has already begun reacting to the stoppage, faint/dizzy spells and shaking among the symptoms I am having, standard withdrawal. The stupid thing is my specialist said that she would actually recommend Cannabis but unlike in the US (or certain states at least) we can’t get it in England prescribed to us, I have a 24hr brain scan and another specialist appointment to come in the next week, stay tuned and I’ll update you all when I know more
—Edit 5— I know I haven’t been active lately but am back now…
I took a vacation away with the family which unfortunately was cut short, in spite of my medications my pain reached critical levels & if I stayed with family would have been a danger either to them or to myself.
I had paramedics & 2 out of hours doctors out because my blackouts/seizures are lasting 30+ mins & am suffering near crippling vertigo, all of the time now.
I had my 24hr EEG & will get the results of that next week.
I apologise for being distant or inactive, you all mean the world to me & your support is invaluable.
I will still endeavor to be active both on twitter and the boards and where possible at the shows but please understand if I am distant, or do not respond quickly.
Yours, Highwulf
_________________
Life is relative… Death is obsolete for those who do not sleep
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 28
Posted: August 28th, 2012, 6:48 am
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
Yesterday (27th) I had a bad blackout seizure while running the bath. lasted maybe 10 mins, lopng enough to have used up my hot water & flooded the bathroom. I was lucky enough to heave fallen on the floor.
If I had fallen into the bath I could have drowned.
I’m becoming more than a little annoyed at my doctors now.
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 6/
Posted: September 6th, 2012, 5:24 pm
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
Approximately 14:00hrs on the 5th September I began receiving chest pains, ignore the growing pain for 5hrs before finally consulting NHS direct. They called out an ambulance which took me to the hospital. over the next 6hrs I endured ever increasing pain & a battery of tests, all coming back negative.
The hospital released me & just after midnight with no way of getting home. My mother stepped in & I spent the night with her.
Upon seeing another doctor this morning (6th) I was told the the muscles surrounding my lungs are inflamed & actually constricting my chest which is the primary cause of the pain,
Dr’s advice… take the pills & try to ride out the storm
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 13
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 10:47 pm
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
I saw my Neurologist on Tuesday & with testimony from my mother he decided that I appear to be suffering from a form of epilepsy but the blackouts where I fall are still a separate problem with an as yet unknown cause. He fears they may be a separate form of epilepsy though stresses it’s rarity.
They are putting me on a strong anti-epileptic drug & scheduling a stay away in a special seizure clinic as an in-patient & having another Neurologist look over his work to see if he missed anything.
I now have a travel pass allowing me to travel anywhere in the UK free of charge… don’t worry I’ll do my damnedest to be back for the shows :)
Progress may be being made but it will take some time still.
I’ll keep you all informed
_________________
Life is relative… Death is obsolete for those who do not sleep
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 6/
Posted: October 6th, 2012, 7:33 pm
Private
Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
As some of you are aware I have been AWOL for the past month. Believe me it was not by choice & apologise greatly. I want to thank everybody for their warm welcome back last night. I have finally got my meds under control but next week I get a liver test & others just to start taking a new one, Carbomazapine which can send me loopy & destroy my liver while it potentially helps. Also this last month my depression has got worse, I am crying every day and fighting the blues & the hip & spine problems.
I don’t say these things for sympathy but as to reason for my absence. With your continued support I can make this.
Thank the gods I am back 
_________________
Life is relative… Death is obsolete for those who do not sleep
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 16
Posted: October 16th, 2012, 6:10 pm
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
I saw my doctors yesterday & my psych team today, my meds have all but stopped working so the GP has come up with the genius move of having me stop them & replacing the pills with a 7 day BuTrans patch.
My psych team have stopped my antidepressants & taken me off the anti-psychotics because they are not working any more, they are giving me sedatives to sleep through the worst of the depression & in a month may decide to introduce Sertraline or as it’s better known in the States. Zoloft. So for the next month or so the VNA is truly the only thing keeping things from destroying me. I shall as always endeavour to be at the shows & try to remain strong.
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 01
Posted: November 1st, 2012, 9:53 am
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
I have now been on sedatives & Carbomazapine for a week now & finally my body is beginning to grow used to the sedatives. I say that because they are no longer putting me out for 12hrs, that & I can more easily reach a state of arousal & maintain it again.
Believe me that frightened me, I could still achieve it just took a lot of effort, damned drugs lol sadly though they are not making life any easier to bear with from a psychological point of view. The depression & PTSD are still raging strong. All I can do is pretend I am well & hope I believe my own act.
The Carbomazapine however is having negligible effects thus far, am still passing out at random, I’ll give it another week to build up in my system, if no help after that I may be admitted to a specialist ward, Keep your fingers crossed that it does work please.
_________________
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 8/
Posted: November 8th, 2012, 3:28 am
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 71
Location: UK
Hey guys, some of you know & some of you don’t as part way to battle my depression, anxiety & ptsd I was told to get snugglies, supposedly I can talk to them, I can cuddle them when depressed anxious, you get the idea, well I have 4 so far. I was told it may not be a good idea to put their pictures up in here so all you who support me can see what I am having to do to heal so hear they are
http://twitpic.com/b9wyg0 - Day 1
http://twitpic.com/basxhv - Day 2
http://twitpic.com/bax6gw Day 3
If it’s not deemed okay by the Officers such as StickyVicky or the fellow #VNA Soldiers then I will take them down.
For the record it’s helping, a little at least, more than the meds
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 16
Posted: December 16th, 2012, 1:21 am
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 74
Location: UK
Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. As some of you may have noticed I have been very distant lately I am sorry,
My spine and hip are deteriorating faster than before, faster than my therapies can compensate for which is leaving me in excruciating pain all of the time, made even worse by the harsh winter that has hit the UK.
I am on lots of new meds, strong meds including a synthetic version of morphine which my doctor assures me is a strong as hydrocodone (Vicodin) and has put me on the maximum dose, am also on stranger anti depressents, max strength Zoloft & sedatives to keep me… controlled?
Three weeks ago I am ashamed to say I overdosed, I have made a full recovery since but what is worrying me is nobody, not the doctors, psychiatrists or even I know whether the overdose was intentional or accidental.
I am so scared that I got to a point where subconsciously I may have tried to end it… I love the VNA though
They are arranging special support for me now to insure it doesn’t happen again but the new drugs make me so damn tired it’s hard to make it to the shows & I feel horrible for missing them.
I am crying as I type this update and feeling like a complete idiot… why the hell I am I crying? I should give myself something to cry about… I know it wouldn’t solve anything so I wont.
I am in a really bad place this festive season & trying so very hard to put on a front for friends & for family, and even for all of you, when I turn up to the shows I put on my mask, I turn on my cam & for that hr I try to forget my problems… they come back after.
I wish there was some way I could fight this. I am dusgusted with myself & I know I shouldn’t be, I know I have no control & should let it happen, it’s just not in my nature.
I WANT to fight, I NEED to get better. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
On the insistence of so many in the VNA & in my wider circle of friends I have decided to get a pet, a little Kitten, will be getting it next year, early January.
I apologise for this post being rather depressing. I know the hope has been that over time I wou;d indicate that I am getting better,
If I am becoming too depressing then just tell me to stop, that enough is enough & I shall, shall continue to suffer & fight in silence.
_________________
Life is relative… Death is obsolete for those who do not sleep
Post subject: Re: Back from hospital/Medical issues (StickyVicky) -Edit 18
Posted: December 18th, 2012, 8:37 pm
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Joined: November 25th, 2011, 2:51 pm
Posts: 76
Location: UK
On Monday the 17th December I was forced to call out the Dr’s out of hrs response as I was experience excruciating pain of 10/10 scale for 10hrs & had received no relief lower than an 8/10 in five days & had been paralyzed from the worst down since noon. They said that the reason for the paralysis was pressure to base of the spine.
they were forced to give me Klonopin, Valium & shot of morphine into my spine, so far (Tuesday the 18th) I am still awaiting significant release
_________________
Life is relative… Death is obsolete for those who do not sleep
Agony
Why do you tease me with a torturer’s delight?
Why must I fight you just over power of sight?
The lidless coffin I am forced to rouse from,
is both solace and prison where you are my warden.
Clear minded or be-dazed you still maintain,
causing inner conflict which I am forced to restrain.
You laugh at my good times rare they may be,
in my bad times of many you twist my sanity.
I know you, I love you, I hate you and I need you.
You my Agony
You are my core, my enemy and my confidant.
Woah! opened my tumblr and this was here thought I’d reblog for my pervs